I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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