The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
