I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
