Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
