you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you traded sex for a burrito?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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