I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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