My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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