I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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