If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I need to calm my uterus...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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