do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
