I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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