my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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