i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
