so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
