o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
