i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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