I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so let's talk penis.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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