what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
