I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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