Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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