I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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