You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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