Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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