Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
