There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
