Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
