...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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