I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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