Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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