Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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