Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
