So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
