I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
