I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
