peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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