I have demons in me.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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