I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
