My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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