I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
