Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
