I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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