SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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