All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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