Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Less talking, more tequila
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
