a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
