I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
