I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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