im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
