sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
