I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
