worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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