Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There are leaves in my underwear?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
