I'm eating all of the evidence.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
