the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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