those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
